Well, at least this update didn’t come two years later.

But a lot has changed since my last post!

I’m almost 38 weeks pregnant now with our second baby girl. They’ll be almost exactly 2 years apart.

I found out I was pregnant early in the month of January again. And with the exact same estimated due date as Diana’s original due date. I guess our family really loves Christmas… and August/September.

The pregnancy has been a lot rougher this time around. Juggling a toddler, full-time work, and pregnancy is a challenge I didn’t think I’d be undertaking so soon. But at the end of the day, I’m glad for it. And I’m looking forward to the small age gap between the girls.

As is the common theme with all my posts, it’s late. Almost 2 AM. So a brief list of everything will have to suffice for now:

• Diana turned 2 just three days ago! Where has the time gone? She is an absolute chatterbox with a hilarious sense of humor, the sweetest attitude, and a frighteningly good memory. We end up loving her more and more each day and feel so blessed to have such a perfect little girl.
• The company I work for got acquired (again). As thankful as I am to have survived the layoff, it was a crazy last week of work. From meeting my new boss to learning everything I could and meeting everyone I could at the new company.
• Paul’s been recalled a lot. When the fires up north broke out, the recalls were even more intense. He’s been gone 4-5 days straight at a time. Home 1 day. 2 if we’re lucky. And then he’s off again. We can’t wait for his AV in 2 days where he’ll be off for a month and a half.
• I think this is my body’s way of saying, “Jen, you’re done.” Because this pregnancy has been tough. I’ve had almost every symptom in the book. All day sickness. Sciatica on both sides. More weight gain. Insomnia. Charlie horses on both calves. Extremely low blood pressure. Lightning crotch. And just so, so much fatigue and brain fog. I find myself tripping over my words when I speak. And I feel like I’ve just lost so many IQ points.
• But, we’re almost to the finish line! Our baby girl is healthy, measuring right on track, and has been kicking and moving like no one’s business. Paul picked out the name Victoria. And passing on his middle name, Reed, to her as well. I love that Diana’s middle name is from my grandma, and Victoria’s is from Paul’s mom’s side. I also love that both Diana and Victoria are Roman goddesses.

There is so much more to say, but we also create family home videos. So hopefully I muster up the energy to do more updates that way as well.

For now, we are all so very happy, healthy, and in love. And that’s all I could ever ask for.

I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since I’ve last posted. I kind of hate that.

I’ve said it before. It’s always easier to write when life isn’t so great. Or busy.

So the silver lining here is that life has been wonderful. And busy.

It turns out, my pregnancy went well. Better than even I expected. She was over 3 weeks early, accidentally “induced” by eating too much AYCE Korean BBQ. My water broke at 3AM. We hadn’t slept. After 14 hours of labor, and 45 minutes of pushing, she was here. Thankfully, she didn’t need the NICU. And my one question to the doctor after she was out was, “What do I do now?”

Some days, I still ask myself that. But it’s been less and less.

She’s over a year old now. 15 months to be exact, because apparently everyone counts in months at this stage. I get it though. Developmentally, she’s so different from even a week prior.

I feel like Bella in that scene from Breaking Dawn (the Twilight saga is our guilty pleasure…) where Renesmee is growing up too fast.

We’ve been trying to enjoy these moments despite the continued sleep deprivation.

I feel like I could write essays on what’s happened to us in just the past year.

But I don’t have much time. It’s 10:42PM. She’ll probably wake soon. And I should really get some sleep. But, there are a few things I want to remember and highlight:

• We named her Diana. We were in bed, blurting out names. I said, “Hey, what about Diana?” and Paul said, “I like that. A lot. She’s Diana.” and that was that. We also liked the meaning behind the Roman goddess (we did a woodland theme for her nursery) and Wonder Woman. But most everyone has said, “Oh, like Princess Diana!” – which is okay, too.
• Her middle name is a tribute to my grandma, who appeared in my dreams all throughout my pregnancy. Before we even found out her gender, my grandma told me it was a girl. She came back, after Diana was born, and held her. I cherish these dreams. And treat them like memories. I miss my Lola, and there are days where it hits harder than most.
• Our parents have stepped up tremendously, and we would be underwater without them. We were supposed to put Diana into daycare, and the days leading up to it, I couldn’t help but cry. But Paul’s mom stepped in and said she would provide full-time care whenever the both of us are working. And my parents have stepped in as part-time care to fill the gaps. Now that my mom is retired, she has even offered to be available more often. We know how lucky we are to be in this situation. And it has been a perfect village for Diana.
• You know that fear of losing friends as soon as you have a kid? This is a second blessing that we are eternally grateful for – our friends still treat us like we exist and still invite us out. They’ve checked in on us, brought us homemade food, DoorDashed food, driven up to see us so we didn’t have to make the trek.
• I wish I could convey to every single one of our family members and friends just how much we love them all so much. It feels cheesy to type out because it just doesn’t do our feelings justice. It falls flat. But, it’s all true. Life is wonderful because of the people we’re surrounded by.
• My marriage to Paul is stronger than ever. If anything, having a kid has tested us more than anything, and it’s shown me just how perfect (again, cheesy, but true) we are together. We’re still us. The only difference is that our hearts have grown larger to include a new person. And even when she pushes us past our limits, doesn’t sleep through the night, and has her moments – we’re all okay.

Obviously it’s not all sunshine and roses. I barely play video games now. I’ve lost a lot of me time. I still haven’t gotten into a good workout routine. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see how much older I look.

But I know this is life. This is the life we’ve chosen. And built. And there is so much good to be grateful for that I don’t want to waste my time being bothered by the little things. Or the big things.

I love it here.

And hopefully, I don’t wait another 2 years to post an update.

Okay, oof. I don’t even know where to start with this one. This will be, by far, my most personal post… mainly because I can’t tell anyone in real life what’s happening. Since I’ve never shared this blog URL with anyone I know (other than Paul), it’s almost like yelling into the void. Which is perfect.

So, we both had COVID a few days after Christmas. It was spreading through his department like wildfire, and at one point over 500 people tested positive. Despite being double vaxxed, we were definitely symptomatic.

While we were both sick in bed, our symptoms were vastly different. Paul lost his sense of taste and smell. He also had more of a cough and phlegm. I ended up with terrible body aches, a high fever that peaked at 105º, feeling cold, and then vertigo that lasted even after I tested negative for COVID.

My boss DoorDashed us incredible amounts of chicken soup and sandwich platters. And my parents dropped off at least NINE bags of food and supplies. We also had friends and family constantly checking up on us. I felt so grateful and lucky to have that much support around us. So, thank you, everyone. ❤️

Now… onto the part that I can’t tell anyone else…

I’m pregnant.

Hah, I can’t believe I actually typed it. Trying not freak out.

While I’m not actually going to name the baby Corona (see post title), I think it’s hilarious (mortifying? disappointing? ironic?)… whatever it is, that our biggest life milestones all happened during the Coronavirus pandemic. Getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, and now baking a bun.

I’m only a little over 4 weeks pregnant. So it’s very early. I also found out through an ovulation test strip, of all things. I noticed my dot was running 2 days late and getting anxious. I didn’t have any pregnancy tests, and I just got my ovulation strips in the mail. I thought, there’s 0% chance I’m ovulating or even close. Well, the test line was waaaayy darker than the control line. I know it’s not a substitute for a pregnancy test, but since LH and hCG are both glycoproteins and similar in structure, the ovulation test strip picked it up.

Well, to confirm it, I bought actual pregnancy tests the next morning (today!). I bought 3 different brands, and sure enough, it was positive. My test line was again darker than my control line. Apparently, there’s a term for this: dye stealer. The “you’re pregnant!” line also showed up so fast. It took less than a minute.

This was/is a first. Other than a slight freak out in my head, I Facetimed Paul. He’s working 5 days straight at the station, and he doesn’t get home until Friday. There was no way I could wait that long.

I showed him all the positive tests, and I’m not sure if it was for my sake, but he was calm. I mean, he was probably freaking out a little bit inside (like I was), but I appreciated how collected he was trying to be 😆.

And now, here I am trying not research every. little. thing. I’ve booked an ultrasound a few weeks from now, and then we go from there.

My only major concern is that I was most likely pregnant when I had COVID… which might explain why I also got hit so hard. I’m also paranoid about the high fever… and I did have quite a number of drinks with Paul and our friends. Of course, we didn’t know at the time. We were also planning on trying, trying “soon this year” which is why I just got the ovulation strips. We were both taken aback by how quickly this happened.

So, yep. Huge update. We also know that miscarriages are very common early on. So, a part of me is trying to mentally and emotionally prepare for if that happens. Though, I don’t know that you can really prepare for it. Perhaps acceptance is a better word.

Well, here’s to COVID affecting every big milestone in our lives!

Fingers crossed that my future updates continue to be positive.

In the middle of making some design updates to this blog, I was skimming through past posts, and I saw this list. God, all I can do is laugh right now. I don’t think I even touched half of that list, and it wasn’t even that long.

But the ones that I did cross off are the ones that mattered most anyway. So for that, I’m grateful.

Though these lists are about as effective as a New Year’s Resolution for me, here’s to hoping my “Before I turn 35” list is more realistic:

1. Create my dream library in our new home: bookshelves everywhere! We have a completely separate section of the house which is currently empty, and the ultimate goal would be to transform it into a library/office.
2. Start a family of our own: everyone and their mom keeps asking, which is a bit intrusive and awkward. But I don’t know if I’m ready right this second. They say you’re never ready. I get that. I just love our lives at the moment, and this would change everything. We both want this, eventually.
3. Ramp up my professional growth: I love my new job, and I know how fortunate I am to feel that way. My direct boss and the CEO are genuinely kind and supportive which is rare to see. Our team is also such a smart and passionate group of people. Before I cross off #2 on this list, I want to do everything I can to develop professionally. A part of me is curious to explore roles outside of marketing, but we will see!
4. Travel more: especially with COVID-19, we’ve been so cooped up. It would be wonderful to travel to more places: Japan, New Zealand, Greece, England, Costa Rica, or even places in the US. I still have yet to visit D.C. or New York.
5. Learn to sew: slightly embarrassing, but I’ve started to learn how to finally use a sewing machine! My goal is to get better so I can repurpose old clothes. Some of my clothes could also use alterations to better fit my body.
6. Start a new project: I’ve been itching to figure this one out. Whether it’s starting a new website, building a community, or finding people to partner with to create an app. Something. As much as I love gaming, I’ve been finding more excitement in pursuing a side project.
7. Take more photos & videos: Though I don’t often post media, I have SD cards filled with photos and videos. Oddly enough, going through them, I found myself wishing I had captured more of our lives. Paul and I did start a “series” where once a year, on our anniversary, we sit down and record a video to give a general update. We just started last year, but we can’t wait to look back at them 20 years from now.

There is so much I want to write, but I keep hitting backspace. It doesn’t help that it’s nearly 3am, and it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything of substance. My college self would be disappointed.

But, life is wonderful again.

I could say that sentence over and over and over again. Just sitting, thinking about it and letting it wash over me, is enough to make me cry.

So much has changed. And I don’t even know where to begin. I wish I could detail everything: our home buying process (yes, we’re now homeowners!), our beautiful wedding, and the surprising silver linings that came with the pandemic. But my energy is limited, and I have to get up for work soon (did I mention – I started a new job, too?!).

I don’t know that this blog post is going to have any specific focus other than rambling. There are too many blessings to count and to want to talk about that I don’t even know how to begin to put it in writing. And even that in itself is a blessing.

I guess that’s it, really. Paul was injured on the job almost one year ago, and he’s been home ever since. Though I’d rather he not be injured in the first place, we’ve felt so fortunate to have this time together. He went back to station yesterday, and we know we’ll never have that amount of time together again for a long time.

I should really be getting to bed, so I suppose this is all for now. Who knew my “Wiccan” white candle birthday wishes would actually come true.

I’m absolutely in love with life, and I can’t wait to see where it takes us next.

It’s 3pm. I’m waking up, and my head is spinning from a night in with friends. How lucky are we to have each other in the time of COVID.

I drag myself to the toilet and puke. It’s all bile. But it feels good.

Paul brings in food delivery. Seared ahi, broccoli, mac n cheese, beef stew. And carbonated soda for my stomach.

I lie in bed for another 5 hours. I’m still here, writing this. Luna is sleeping by my feet. And the voices in Discord are background noise to fill the space.

Space. So much space. I’ve never had a bedroom or a bed this spacious. I want to cry.

I’ve never felt this spoiled in my life.

I think back. I’ve shared rooms almost my entire life. I lived off canned tuna and sneaking mayo packets from UCLA restaurants. I haven’t had canned tuna since.

We qualified for EBT. Everything was manager’s special. We still look for specials. But our bodies aren’t so desperate.

We’re no longer worried about food. Or fleas. Or refinery air. Or space.

Years and years of so much hard work. To buy us this privilege. Is that even the right word.

How far we’ve come.

My grandma passed way on November 11, 2020. Just two days before my wedding. She suffered multiple strokes, and even though she told my mom she would hold on for the wedding, we knew it was just too much and too painful.

I want to believe that she was watching over us that day. Even now, it’s still so difficult to write this. (Though I’ve set this post to 11/11/20, I’m writing this in July of 2021).

The day after she passed, I was still barely functioning. I was grieving. A lot. And I remember curling up on the bedroom floor, just running through memories of her in my head. And suddenly, her scent filled the room. It only lasted a brief second, but it was there. Without a single doubt, it was there. I don’t consider myself a very superstitious person, but for the first time in my life, I finally got what it meant when people could “feel the presence” of their loved ones after they’ve gone. And for a moment, I felt so comforted and almost overjoyed that she visited me one last time. It felt like her way of letting me know it was going to be okay; that she would be looking over us even if it was from afar.

Growing up, my grandma always served us coffee in these light green tea cups. In remembrance of her, my siblings, my cousin, and I all kept our green cups and took one last drink from it together hours after she passed. I’ll never forget that moment – a symbolic testament to the amazing woman who raised us all. Who came to America, widowed, with 3 kids to give us a better future.

To Lola — I miss you. I miss you and love you so, so much. I can’t thank you enough for how you raised me. Without you, I wouldn’t have this life in America. I wouldn’t have found Paul. I wouldn’t have been here period. My only regret is that your future grandkids will never get to see you. But oh will I tell them everything I can about you. I pray that you have found peace with God. And I know that you will always be with me.

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So that I have a place to save and remember this, here is the eulogy I gave during her funeral:

Thank you all for being here today to celebrate the life of Juanita, my grandmother.

Lola was born in the Philippines on May 30th 1931. Growing up, she always graduated at the top of her class. In 1953, at the age of 22, she married the love of her life, Roger. At too young of an age, at 29 years old, she lost her husband. She never remarried, and devoted much of her life to raising her 3 children, Merle, Rosalie, and Amado, on her own. She was very much a woman of God. Both her faith and her family were the most important parts of her life.

Almost twenty years after the death of her husband, she came to the United States. She lived in Virginia in 1979, and moved to Los Angeles in 1981. Without her, my family and I would not be here today.

She lived through the war, through so much hardship, and her continued tenacity and bravery in moving to an entirely different country is a reflection of how she would do absolutely anything for her family.

This includes working as a cook at Elms Convalescent Hospital for 22 years. Lola didn’t retire until the age of 72. And even after that she never stopped working. Whenever I visited home, if she wasn’t cooking, she was doing laundry. If she wasn’t doing laundry, she was cleaning. And finally, once she was done with chores, I’d see my favorite glimpses of her and my mom exchanging chismis (gossip) at the kitchen table.

Lola was like a second mother to me. Growing up, I shared a room with her. When I had nightmares, I’d sneak into her bed in the middle of the night. And whenever I wanted a new book, she never said no. We’d bake together, watch game shows together, and I tried to be just like her… trying on her nail polish and hair products.

Our entire family cherished my grandma. She was an intelligent, fierce, and loving woman. We are so blessed to have had her in our lives and we already miss her dearly.

Her legacy lives on with her 3 children, 5 grandchildren, and 2 great grandchildren.

I pray that she is with God now, forever continuing to watch over us and protect our family from above. To Lola, we all love you so very much. Thank you for being the best wife, sister, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother we could’ve ever asked for.

It was raining.

Paul left to take a walk, out of anger. I retreated into myself, and it took a moment before I could shake myself out of it, clean the kitchen, and start defrosting salmon.

He came back inside. I pulled him to the couch and grabbed a blanket. He laid his head on my chest, and I scratched him, relieved that I could physically feel some of the tension dissipate.

I told him I was making dinner, and he insisted we go out for dessert. The Coronavirus has LA county on lockdown; our options were limited. Were there any drive-thru businesses that even served dessert? Either way, we left.

He asked me to put on warm clothes and take an umbrella. I put a leather jacket over my green long sleeve and put on my boots. It was pouring as we hopped inside the car. We talked the whole drive to wherever we were going. I looked around, and we were in Redondo Beach. It was far from dessert.

He told me we should go for a walk since we’ve been stuck inside for days. No one else was around; it seemed safe enough. I opened the umbrella, and we started to walk. We made our way to the pier, talking about everything from politics to video games.

The rain, the smell of the ocean in the air, the empty pier, and the comfort of silence. It was like finding solace in what felt like an apocalypse. We stopped further down the pier, a few of the lights around us illuminated where we stood, and we could hear the ocean down below, covered in darkness.

Paul started talking.

“Sometimes we’ll have days like this… days when we’re mad, days when it’s raining, and we’ll have better days. Days when the sun is out again. And even when I’m at my angriest… I know I want to be with you.

I want to be with you through all the days, when we’re sick, when we’re happy.

So Jen, will you marry me…”

Somewhere in the middle of his speech, I realized what was happening. A part of me was still in disbelief, and it wasn’t until he got down on one knee that I knew. I dropped the umbrella, the wind nearly knocking into the ocean. I remember not being able to take my hand off my mouth because I was sobbing too much, and it was way too embarrassing.

Not only was I haggard from having to stay home the past week, but I had no makeup on. My sobbing was a complete and total ugly cry, and I figured if he still wants this, he must really like me.

So, I knelt down and shook my head yes. My hand was shaking, and we were both nervous that the ring would drop onto the pier, down into the cracks, and be forever lost.

It fit perfectly, and he confessed he measured my finger in my sleep. The last month he’d been working with a jeweler in Downtown LA to custom design my ring. Even now, I stare at it and can’t believe how he absolutely nailed my sense of style. It’s better than anything I would’ve chosen. I told him it looked like leaves, and he said that’s exactly what he was going for.

We talked before about how diamonds aren’t worth it. But he sat down with me and explained the different types, the clarity, what it all means. And once I saw it catch in the light, it changed everything.

He was planning a proposal with Tim. But he chose that night because it felt right. And it truly did. It felt like an even sappier version of a weird mashup between Twilight and The Notebook (I know). It was raining so hard, and we were drenched, crying and happy, and feeling so many emotions at once. I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen any other way.

We didn’t get any photos there of that moment. But I replay it in my head almost every other day.

We stopped by McDonald’s and grabbed a parfait and an apple pie to-go to celebrate. When we got home, we looked at each other and couldn’t believe it. We said the “f” word, and it made us laugh in disbelief. Fiancé and fiancée…

After taking some time to ourselves, we started calling friends and family. Some of them screamed in excitement… others cursed in excitement. I don’t remember the last time we’ve used the phone for that long.

That night, we stayed up until 5am.

“To the wound that never heals.”

“To the sun that always rises.”

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?
Paul got employment offers from multiple fire departments (including his dream country). He’s been waiting for this to happen since we first got together, and even a year before then. He came home holding the letters in the mailbox and we read them and then re-read them over and over again. My eyes were glassy, and I was so incredibly proud of him.

What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2016?
It was accepting that I would have to be patient with myself and my career goals. We agreed that being remote was best since we would be doing a lot of moving very soon, and though I’ve felt insecure about my contributions, with his hands cradling my face, reassuring me that we were doing this together I knew that we would be more than alright.

What thing did you learn the most from this year?
I learned how to finally take some time for myself. After going to school with multiple jobs and then jumping right into a job after graduation (and never requesting vacation), it felt wonderfully selfish to travel, to experience other cultures, and to just sleep in multiple days in a row.

What is the kindest thing you did this year?
I had to save this question for last. I really am not sure. It seems kind of narcissistic to choose your own kind gesture, lol. Being kind is just… something that feels natural / good for your soul.

Did you lose anyone close family member this year?
No, thank god. I always worry about my grandma (we call her Lola). She’s like a second mother to me. Growing up, she let me pick cookies from her recipe books to make together and we’d watch Whose Line Is It Anyway & The Price is Right. I always sat on her lap and she always made breakfast and lunch. I don’t know what this year would’ve been like if I lost her.

Pick three words to describe 2016.
Challenging, Uplifting, & of course… “MAGA”.

What did you do in 2016 that you never did before?
Two words: Vegas & deja vu.

Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?
I don’t think I made any. I know I’m terrible at them. So, every year, I just strive to become a better version of myself.

Did you travel to any interesting places in 2016?
Yes! The Philippines. As usual, I still need to upload the photos. But Paul (and Tim) got to meet my family there – a bunch of cousins, aunts, uncles, and so many more. There are too many stories that I still need to blog about. We met some of the kindest, most honest & hardworking people, had amazing sisig (& lambanog) à la Tito Bard, fell off a banana boat in the middle of the ocean, learned Tagalog slang, and so much more. We’re already talking about going back. We also went to Arizona for Paul’s fire test and got to see his favorite cousins there. And to Vegas for Estrada’s birthday.

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
A strong sense of direction / my path that I want to take career-wise. I have a small list of ideas, but I’m not quite sure which is the smartest route.

Do you believe that 2016 had an occurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?
Remembering to appreciate the ones you love / those who love you. It’s been a painful year for quite a few people I know, and it’s reminded me to really cherish those around you. My world is nothing without Paul, my family, and my friends.

Do you feel like 2016 went by too fast?
A little bit. Though, every year tends to feel faster than the one before. Which, I guess, mathematically makes sense (1/26 of my life vs. 1/25). But I’m excited to dive into 2017, and I don’t remember the last time I’ve been this thrilled about a new year.

Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2016? List them.
I don’t get strongly attached to artists, but if I had to remember one, Selena Gomez (to my surprise) had some pretty catchy songs. And as Paul would say, “Rae Shtudashmaker”.

What is the best book you read this past year?
The Name of the Wind! I’m still on the second book (which is great because the third and final book hasn’t been published yet). If you love LotR, HP, or GoT this book is for you :).

What was your favorite movie this year?
This is tough since Paul & I tend to just rewatch Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings all year long. Grimm (a tv show) was also our guilty pleasure this year. But for a 2016 movie, we’d probably would choose Warcraft. It got mixed reviews, but as passionate fans of the game, we thought it turned out wonderfully.

If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2017, where would you go?
That’s tough. I’ve always wanted to go to Japan. But Paul’s already been once, and we both want to see Europe so there’s that. New Zealand sounds beautiful too though.

What was your biggest regret of 2016?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being with Paul, it’s that I shouldn’t regret anything. I love who we are, where we are, and it’s been such an incredible ride. There’s absolutely nothing I’d change.

Do you think you’ll be having a better 2017 than 2016?
Something tells me that we definitely will ;).

Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?
Not really. We tend to keep our group pretty close-knit, and I would be horrible with trying to keep up with too many friendships. I think we got closer to a handful though :).

What was the biggest adventure of last year?
Definitely the Philippines. We had fancy dinners on the beach, walked around the town at any time of day & interacted with local residents, learned more about the history & culture, saw art & had wonderful coffee at Kape Kesada, went ziplining over the ocean & took a bumpy jeep ride through the “jungle”, saw the Mall of Asia, practiced my Tagalog, and just thinking about it all makes me miss it so much more.

Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?
Paul let me pick out a cheesecake at Ralph’s. I got the mechanical keyboard of my dreams, and I was around the one I love & our friends. It was a perfect birthday, and I felt way too spoiled.

How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?
I think I’m way more comfortable in my own skin. It used to be pretty easy to shake me, get me embarrassed or make me feel inferior. But now I’ve gained a type of self-love that took a long time to find.